We talk about falling in love and falling out of love—or broken hearts. But there are other types of love out there, like family relationships and friendships. We rarely discuss the art of friendship, and we don’t think much about broken or tumultuous friendships because it’s easier to walk away from them in comparison to family and a romantic love. The song by Gnash, “I hate u, I love u,” and even though it’s mainly about a couple, it also touches the theme of friendship. Here’s part of what it says:
“Friends can break your heart too…Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song.”
I’ve had a circle of friends for more than ten years. However, now, it’s no longer the same. They’ve said hurtful things and so have I. I’m a big believer that you make time for what you want. If you don’t want to make time for someone or something, you’re not fully part of it. You don’t want to. At any rate, we all had to see each other when a friend flew in from a different state after many years, and that’s how our circle “reconnected.”
I was iffy about this visit. I had a lot of nightmares a week before our friend visited because I was worried and stressed out—and I think my gut instinct tried to warn me. The nightmares mainly consisted of my friends being in a cahoots and betraying me—most likely a psychological effect.
Now, I have moved on just as my friends have. The only problem was that they unpause the button, and they thought it was ten years ago. You can’t really do that because the relationships after many years have baggage and a history, especially if they’ve been tumultuous. We’re also all much older and involved in our own lives. Although we all care very much about each other, as I said, it’s no longer the same.
At one point, one of them caused an unnecessary scene, and we ended up not going out that day—or at least I went home while they all went out. They didn’t tell me to leave. It was my choice. They managed to resolve the issue. Even though it didn’t directly involve me, well, to some extent, I got angry. Instead of causing another scene, and I politely excused myself.
The whole situation made me feel uncomfortable because I had not seen them in a while. After this, I decided to give them a lot of space and bailed from the rest of the events. And guess what? There was no more drama. They all went out happily, and I got out of their hair. Now, I don’t think they were all too keen on me staying away, but it’s hard to say. One of them urged me to join them. I said that I’d think about it, and after much thought, my gut instinct said, “Don’t go.”
After I gave my friend who flew in, room and board in my house for a week, on the last day, this friend stayed at someone else’s—mainly on my request because I had work the next day early morning, until the afternoon. I didn’t want to cancel another day of work. The flight was scheduled to leave Monday at 4pm.
This visit mentally drained me. I feel very exhausted, and the communication breakdown among all of us is evident. There’s a heavy disconnection, and there’s nothing we can do about it. I think. Life teaches us that everything changes, and we have to continue marching to the rhythm of the clock, move on.
I’ll have to reset to get back on track. I’m sure I’ll get over it, eventually. I burnt bridges to create distance. I tried to keep in touch and make time, but everyone is busy. I kept knocking at the door, so I moved on. Now, I have a wall up. And as angry as I get, I’m always willing to work things out—so as long as not everything is pinned on me—and that it’s treated with honesty, accepting and amending faults.