What the Heck Am I Doing?

Have you ever felt like you have too many paths to choose from, therefore, at the same time, you have no path at all? It’s like a conundrum or a paradox that you cannot resolve. If I go here, I can do this and that. If I go there, I can do this other thing and that.

Right now I have three choices:

  • Dedicate fully to my urban fantasy novel, and I think I can finish it in a month or less. I need to send my full manuscript to an agent who showed interest in my story.
  • Follow a teaching career as an English teacher.
  • Or follow a good opportunity in sales for a solar panel company. It’s a managing position with an option to open my own office.

The thing is, I just let go of two jobs. One was working at a private high school, but I wasn’t necessarily working as an English teacher, which is my field. Regardless, I loved what I was doing because it gave me a chance to know the students and co-workers. However, I am doing other duties that do not pertain to teaching at all, and I am not growing in my field.

The other job I let go was a full-time job for a wholesale company (scented oils and aromatherapy lamps), a salary-based, plus commission. I liked it. However, I had to commute about an hour and a half, and I needed to be there at 8:30 am. The commute on my way back home was two hours because California’s traffic is insane. I felt exhausted by the time I got home. I couldn’t write, read, exercise, or work on a class that I am taking online. panorama-3094707_1920.jpg

Today, I got the green light to continue with my teaching credentials. I had an issue with my the credentials a few months back. So this adds to my options on what step to take next? I need to dedicate serious studying time to pass three exams to become fully credentialed–this will help to be more competitive for a full-time English teaching position.

Now, I am left with the three options that I mentioned on the bullet points. I need a job no matter what because, well, I have to pay bills and living expenses. For the solar panel company, I can put in my own time, and it does pay quite well.  And what a way to participate in an eco-friendly environment type of job. I figured I can study for my teaching credentials and finish writing my novel while I work for the solar panel company, and then see what happens after.

My worry is to focus too much on one thing or the other and not finish writing my book– or not accomplish any goals at all because I have too much on my plate. Before going to bed last night and today, my question was, “What the heck am I doing?” & “What do I want to do?”

I wonder if one day I’ll return to my blogs and say, “Yes, I remember that time I was so lost and blogged about it.” In the meantime, I am walking through the process of life.

By the way, here are a few other things currently in my plans:

  • I also need the teaching credentials to apply to an M.A Education program in summer. (Again, I am thinking about how to become more competitive for in the teacher field).
  • I am taking a class to earn a TESOL certificate from Arizona State University through Coursera.com.
  • I also signed up for a class to learn the ways of a virtual teacher and how technology influences our education today.

See my dilemma. Too many paths.



12 thoughts on “What the Heck Am I Doing?

  1. It sounds cliche, but follow your heart. You’ll have regrets otherwise. If I had followed my heart I would be a Forest Ranger instead of commuting two hours a day for a cubicle job. Happy vs. money? Take the happy while you finish your book.

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  2. You have a trilemma 😬 I think you should choose the solar panel company job and utilise the time you would commute to focus on your novel.
    I had the same problem a few weeks ago; finish my manuscript and teach casual or go full-time English teaching.
    You’ll go down the path that suits you best, don’t forget what your passionate about.

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    1. Trilemma lol, very true. And I suppose I could juggle these while I finish my manuscript. It makes sense as well. Thank you btw. And I’m glad you’re done with yours and found time for it.😊

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  3. the first and most attractive line on this blog, which retains readers, in my opinion;”I must be delirious and maniacal to chase something most believe I cannot.”

    Well written. All the best.

    Liked by 1 person

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