I Go To Sleep & Wake Up Thinking…

Hello, everyone. I haven’t blogged in a while. 2019 is almost gone. Let’s admit it. We’re toward the end. It’s pretty much 2020 but not quite, right? And I have to admit that 2019 has been the year that I have done so much personal growth. At 35 years old! Well, 36 now. That number doesn’t really bother me. Thankfully, I have good genes, and I am still young looking. That and I feel 25 years old. lol

At the beginning of the year, things were a bit rough. I lost many friends from my college years, and as much as I tried to obtain a job in teaching, it didn’t work out. I had connections, the letters of recommendation, and I had worked diligently. But nothing. I have to admit I got bitter and upset.

As the months went by, I worked on my health, mindset, and my spiritual life. And it was different from prior years. It’s now October 2019. I look back and think, “Wow, I was so blinded.” Had I not gone through so many struggles, including my mother’s illness, which to the grace of God, she continues to be well, I would not have realized how far gone I was from the person I wanted to be when I grew up.

The person I like to be is: I want to have faith and hope. I want to be bold. I want to inspire people. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, and I want to accept myself. I may be flawed, but I am a loyal and caring person. You need me, and I am there.

Because I am a loyal person, I let people use me: use my time, my mind, and my support even when I had my own things going on. I’d put my life on break and “run to the rescue.” But I am no superhero. I’m a human being, and I break down. And admittedly, I can be a jerk when I am overwhelmed and more than tired.

Therefore, I have now learned boundaries. I can say, no. And I have also learned that people have their boundaries, and that’s okay. However, having borders doesn’t mean belittling those who are important to you. It’s crucial to have balance; otherwise, you can turn into a complete apathetic, selfish jerk.

Overall, I had lost faith in God and myself without knowing it. I wanted to trust people who missed the mark by about 1,000 miles. I’d feel upset and bad about myself. Then I thought, but why do they have to meet my expectations?

I learned to put my trust in God again, and He works in mysterious and miraculous ways. I learned to trust that I am fully capable of hustling on my own, like, I got this. That is when I learned that people or things who/that vanish from our path aren’t losses. They’re new directions toward better things, new routes, & new people.

I go to sleep and wake up thinking, “Man, thank you, God. I am troubled, but it doesn’t hurt to breathe. I feel calm.”

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