I Go To Sleep & Wake Up Thinking…

Hello, everyone. I haven’t blogged in a while. 2019 is almost gone. Let’s admit it. We’re toward the end. It’s pretty much 2020 but not quite, right? And I have to admit that 2019 has been the year that I have done so much personal growth. At 35 years old! Well, 36 now. That number doesn’t really bother me. Thankfully, I have good genes, and I am still young looking. That and I feel 25 years old. lol

At the beginning of the year, things were a bit rough. I lost many friends from my college years, and as much as I tried to obtain a job in teaching, it didn’t work out. I had connections, the letters of recommendation, and I had worked diligently. But nothing. I have to admit I got bitter and upset.

As the months went by, I worked on my health, mindset, and my spiritual life. And it was different from prior years. It’s now October 2019. I look back and think, “Wow, I was so blinded.” Had I not gone through so many struggles, including my mother’s illness, which to the grace of God, she continues to be well, I would not have realized how far gone I was from the person I wanted to be when I grew up.

The person I like to be is: I want to have faith and hope. I want to be bold. I want to inspire people. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, and I want to accept myself. I may be flawed, but I am a loyal and caring person. You need me, and I am there.

Because I am a loyal person, I let people use me: use my time, my mind, and my support even when I had my own things going on. I’d put my life on break and “run to the rescue.” But I am no superhero. I’m a human being, and I break down. And admittedly, I can be a jerk when I am overwhelmed and more than tired.

Therefore, I have now learned boundaries. I can say, no. And I have also learned that people have their boundaries, and that’s okay. However, having borders doesn’t mean belittling those who are important to you. It’s crucial to have balance; otherwise, you can turn into a complete apathetic, selfish jerk.

Overall, I had lost faith in God and myself without knowing it. I wanted to trust people who missed the mark by about 1,000 miles. I’d feel upset and bad about myself. Then I thought, but why do they have to meet my expectations?

I learned to put my trust in God again, and He works in mysterious and miraculous ways. I learned to trust that I am fully capable of hustling on my own, like, I got this. That is when I learned that people or things who/that vanish from our path aren’t losses. They’re new directions toward better things, new routes, & new people.

I go to sleep and wake up thinking, “Man, thank you, God. I am troubled, but it doesn’t hurt to breathe. I feel calm.”

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17 thoughts on “I Go To Sleep & Wake Up Thinking…

  1. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through a lot.

    God does work in mysterious ways…and I’m so happy for you that you still believe in the man upstairs. I wish I still have faith in the lord, but sadly – I lost faith in him back in high school.

    I’m a spiritualist and sometimes can be agnostic…I know life can be difficult and can get lonely at times. I promise you things will get better for you and it takes time and patience.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your message. And though I’ve believed in God, I don’t know, I feel that I believe in God differently this time around. And so far, it’s been a learning experience. And you’re time & patience are crucial. Spiritualist, it’s still a great way of of staying open to it. ☺ 🌹

      Liked by 1 person

                  1. The genre of music I listen to is all over the place. I mostly listen to ‘Industrial/noise, electronic, dark ambient, glitch, Avant-garde, jazz, industrial metal, power-noise, techno, etc. 🙂

                    Are you familiar with any of the genres I just mention? If not, I could introduce you to some good underground music. 🙂 If you’re interested.

                    Liked by 1 person

                    1. It’s quite alright. Everyone has their favorites and I know Jazz for the majority of listeners is their least favorite. 🙂

                      Here’s 3 dark electronic musicians you may like and listen:

                      1.) Blanck Mass – albums: World Eater, Animated Violence Mild, & Dumb Flesh.

                      Favorite tracks: Please, Rhesus Negative, The Rat, Silent Treatment,
                      Death Drop, House vs. House, Love is a Parasite, No Dice, D7-D5, Dead Format, Cruel Sport, & Lung.

                      2.) Flying Lotus – albums: You’re Dead!, Cosmogramma, & Flamagra.

                      Favorites tracks: All of them. 🙂

                      3.) Mr. Bungle – albums: California, Disco Volante, & Mr. Bungle self-titled.

                      Favorite tracks: Sweet Charity, Retrovertigo, The Air-Conditioned Nightmare, Pink Cigarette, Vanity Fair, Carry Stress in the Jaw, Desert Search for Techno Allah, After School Special, Phlegmatics, Quote Unquote, Slowly Growing Deaf, Squeeze Me Macaroni, Carousel, & Egg.

                      Enjoy. Let me know which musician you enjoyed listening to the most. 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. Well, which jazz musicians or albums do you recommend. And I’m on roll of listening to positive things only. It’s temporary. It’s just to reset my mind. Will check it out, nonetheless. 🌹 ☺

                      Liked by 1 person

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